The Problem With Happiness

So you want to be happy?

Ask almost anyone what they want for themselves and they will tell you they want to be happy. On the face of it this seems a reasonable enough aspiration that we can all understand and agree with. That is, until we actually sit back and think about it. My profession means that I do have to sit back and think about it and happiness is actually a bit of a problem.

Let’s take the word ‘Happiness’ what does it mean? I have to assume that most people who come to me claiming to want to be happy, do not envisage a perpetual state of “belly laugh” euphoria. This kind of happiness is great for an evening but unrealistic, and downright painful in any sustainable sense. So, what do they mean? What do you envisage when you say you want to be happy? 

I think that the notion of happiness is bound up in a number of differing states and that happiness to one person, is not the same as happiness to another. Talking to clients their ideas of happiness range from satisfaction and contentment, through to pleasure and enjoyment. You may have your own ideas but the one thing that seems true of all definitions is that happiness is not a permanent, long lasting character trait. Happiness is a fleeting and fluctuating state, bound up in positive feelings and emotions. 

This is not what most people want to hear. It’s not what they had in mind and it suddenly makes their simple wish to be ‘happy’ seem unattainable. When we look around us to the people who are in possession of everything that we seek to be happy; the privileged, successful, attractive and let’s face it, wealthy elite, they are often no happier than us. Behind the mansions, and models, the monopolies and money, they are shown to be addicts and abusers, mad, bad and sad. How can this happen? How can it be? If they can’t be happy, how can we?

Don’t be despondent. This is actually great news. Rather than moving happiness out of your grasp, once you understand the answer to this question, happiness is within touching distance. One of the main problems in achieving happiness is that we confuse it with pleasure Now don’t get me wrong, a little pleasure can be a great medicine but like any drug it can be abused. 

Pleasure is a great short-term solution to soothe discomfort and smooth over the emotional cracks. It feeds our appetites and stimulates the pleasure centres in our brains placing chemical bookmarks that actively encourage us to rinse and repeat. People for whom money is no option, those who have power and a great deal of time on their hands (and a great deal of emptiness within) have the means and the motive to take up residence in the pleasure dome.  Before long a habit has formed and they are addicted, need has become necessity, pleasure is their prison and the freedom to be happy is their ultimate loss.

Here’s the thing, in our privileged western world this is true of most of us to some extent. What are we addicted to? Stuff mostly; for some it’s footwear, for some it’s branded clothes, for others it’s a massive car that is mostly underoccupied. Some overdo food, others are addicted to sex or romance, some like booze or getting stoned and who isn’t addicted to their mobile phone? If it feels good, we do it! We confuse pleasure with happiness and so when the negative feelings surface we push them down with the “feel good” factor. 

If you remember nothing else from this blog remember this, there is no thing and no one that can make you happy. The only exception is the person reading these words. 

This is surely some of the best news that you can ever receive. The state of happiness does not come from outside of yourself and it certainly cannot be bought. It may seem un-believable, but happiness is a choice. If you want to be happy you must choose to be happy. However, It is a choice you must make every day and multiple times a day. In exactly the same way that you choose your addiction of choice to get pleasure from stuff and people, you must choose to recognise, appreciate and actively pursue and embrace happiness. You have to develop a happiness habit.

In the beginning it will feel strange. Developing a positive habit is not always easy at first. The best way to do it, is to attach it to habits you already have. Do it in small steps and persevere. It takes about 21 days to develop a habit. We are more likely to succeed if it is fun, if we have support and if others are sharing the journey. Don’t worry, you don’t have to give up your other addictions (unless you want to) you just have to add one more. It is likely that your existing addictions will fade somewhat as you become happier, you simply won’t need them in the same way.

So, are you prepared to give about 10-20 minutes a day over the next 21 days to see if you can develop the happiness habit?